Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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