I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
