It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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