Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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