Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize