I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
