brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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