The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
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