I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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