if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
