aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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