Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
