I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
