i barfeds in our rink
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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