Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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