I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
