My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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