So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Randomize
