that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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