I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How naked do you want me to be?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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