In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i think i just lost a toe
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
