I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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