If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
