apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
