Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
