she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
