My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
