The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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