I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
