In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
