You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
