Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
