I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
