I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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