I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
