i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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