Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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