You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This is my gift to your gina
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
