I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
only you would photoshop your dick
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just pee around me
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
