If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
