I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
