i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
