Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
