I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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