Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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