Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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