he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
