I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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