Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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