I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
