:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
