Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
