Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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