i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
