Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
