So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
